1 post tagged “the kids are alright”

This is one of the saddest things I have ever read.  I cannot believe this is from a children's book:

The dinosaur children are offered simple, straightforward advice on what to do about the divorce. On custody decisions: "When parents can't agree, lawyers and judges decide. Try to be honest if they ask you questions; it will help them make better decisions." On selling the house: "If you move, you may have to say good-bye to friends and familiar places. But soon your new home will feel like the place you really belong." On the economic impact of divorce: "Living with one parent almost always means there will be less money. Be prepared to give up some things." On holidays: "Divorce may mean twice as much celebrating at holiday times, but you may feel pulled apart." On parents' new lovers: "You may sometimes feel jealous and want your parent to yourself. Be polite to your parents' new friends, even if you don't like them at first." On parents' remarriage: "Not everyone loves his or her stepparents, but showing them respect is important."

These cards and books point to an uncomfortable and generally unacknowledged fact: what contributes to a parent's happiness may detract from a child's happiness. All too often the adult quest for freedom, independence, and choice in family relationships conflicts with a child's developmental needs for stability, constancy, harmony, and permanence in family life. In short, family disruption creates a deep division between parents' interests and the interests of children.

One of the worst consequences of these divided interests is a withdrawal of parental investment in children's well-being. As the Stanford economist Victor Fuchs has pointed out, the main source of social investment in children is private. The investment comes from the children's parents. But parents in disrupted families have less time, attention, and money to devote to their children. The single most important source of disinvestment has been the widespread withdrawal of financial support and involvement by fathers. Maternal investment, too, has declined, as women try to raise families on their own and work outside the home. Moreover, both mothers and fathers commonly respond to family breakup by investing more heavily in themselves and in their own personal and romantic lives.

Sometimes the tables are completely turned. Children are called upon to invest in the emotional well-being of their parents. Indeed, this seems to be the larger message of many of the children's books on divorce and remarriage. Dinosaurs Divorce asks children to be sympathetic, understanding, respectful, and polite to confused, unhappy parents. The sacrifice comes from the children: "Be prepared to give up some things." In the world of divorcing dinosaurs, the children rather than the grown-ups are the exemplars of patience, restraint, and good sense.

Source article.

Unfortunately, the dinosaur advice is fairly accurate.  Children are expected to accommodate the whims and irresponsibilities of their parents.  It is assumed that they will bounce back, that children are so great at adapting, they'll be fine.  I've said before that it depends a lot on what we mean by "fine."  It is unfortunate that children are not evolving fast enough to keep pace with the growing inability of adults to act like adults or our changing set of mores.  But they aren't.  Human children still need parents who are fully committed to the well-being of their children, who put the needs of their children before their own ephemeral "happiness." 

Or, you know, a set of Hallmark cards that express dad's regret that he never actually sees them.  Whatever.  It's all good, right?

Actually, I recently read an interview with Tina Fey in which she was talking about being a working mom and how she basically gets home just in time to give her daughter a bath and put her to bed and then she works with the writers while her daughter sleeps.  She mentioned that her daughter was so sad that the writers' strike was over and begged her mom not to go back to work.  She says that broke her heart, but she went to work anyway.  My heart breaks for this kid that I don't even know.  Whatever other amazing accomplishments Tina Fey racks up in life, she has a daughter, a daughter who needs something from her mother that she isn't getting (time), a daughter who is going to grow up basically as a stranger to her mother, because you don't get to know a person by putting them to bed.  It's Tina Fey's choice, of course, but it's not her daughter's choice--in fact, it's the opposite for her daughter. 

Oh, but kids don't have rights anyway.  What was I thinking?  What matters is that Tina Fey is happy.  Her daughter will survive.