1 post tagged “scrabble sucks”

Tell us about your holiday traditions. 
Submitted by Talk is Cheap.

Well, for some reason that no one really knows anymore, we always eat cornbread and chili on Christmas Eve.  Always.  If for some reason, that meal is unavailable, like that one traumatic Christmas we spent in San Antonio at the home of the Fun Uncle (the one who offered us Fuzzy Navels even though we were adolescents because, um, it's orange juice, right?  the one who made me, the maid of honor at my mom's wedding, late for said wedding by taking me to the water slides.  the one who never failed to loan me money for a tank of gas to get back home, no matter that i was ringing his bell at 3 a.m.  the one who came to get me when i was in jail.  uh, yeah.  anyway, i love that man with every molecule of my existence).  Fun Uncle usually marries women who, um, can't cook...or don't cook, possibly because their breast implants get in the way.  (Well, now he's married to a Jehovah's Witness, but anyway). 

This particular Christmas, of course, Trophy Wife had no dinner planned or cooked--and possibly no food in the house, but plenty of ingredients for Fuzzy Navels (for the kids!) and margaritas, so the idea was we would go walking down the Riverwalk in San Antonio and find somewhere to eat.  Yeah, on Christmas Eve. 

So, there was like one Chinese restaurant open (because, clearly, the heathens don't respect the Christmas).  Already, all us cousins were howling at the very IDEA of eating anything but chili and cornbread for Christmas Eve dinner.  We were giving our parents major shit.  The Chinese host guy was all, "How many did you say you have in your party?  What?  13?"  When we were seated, we were no better behaved, us kids.  We snarked.  We refused to eat anything at all.  Then we petulantly demanded food this instant.  We made our parents very sorry they had purchased gifts for us.

Anyway, so, yeah, you don't go fucking about with the chili and cornbread tradition.  But I don't know why.  It's not Christmasy at all.  Probably because it feeds a crowd easily, is easy to clean up, and doesn't cost much. 

Good Lord!  Back me up here, Jen, but I think this was also the time when Josh found those glamour/lingerie photos of the Trophy Wife and put them in his sleeping bag and kept telling us, "Lynne's goooood."  Creepy!  (Josh, incidentally, is the only male cousin in my generation of the family.  We do now have some male first cousins who are much younger than I am, as the Fun Uncle apparently does not know how to stop reproducing.)

After dinner, we have to clean up the kitchen before a single gift may be unwrapped.  Also, no gift may be unwrapped before darkness falls.

Oh, come to think of it, a lot of people don't open gifts on Christmas Eve, right?  We do.  Always have.  I guess we reckon that the stockings from Santa are gifts enough to deal with in the morning.  Also, we kids drove our parents crazy already; it would have been 1000 times worse if we had to wait until the next morning, I expect. 

And, of course, everyone in my family gets a stocking.  I hear tell that a lot of families only do stockings for the children.  Not us.  Young, old, loved, hated--everyone gets a stocking.  The teeny stocking stuff is so fun.  Y'all other families suck.  We are so much more festive than you are.

Ah, and how could I forget the games?  We're a family who is very much into games.  If the Crazy Uncle (Jen's dad) and/or Fun Uncle is there at Christmas, especially, the family gets out the Question of Scruples.  I don't know if any of you are familiar with this game, but basically it involves making decisions about hypothetical, ethically ambiguous situations!  The idea is that you get 5 cards outlining some situations, then you have to draw an "answer card" for each of your turns.  The "answer card" says yes, no, or depends.  You have to read the situations that you hold, then choose another player and ask him the situational question.  If he says the answer that is on your answer card, you get to discard that situation (and the answer card--you get a new one of those each time).  If he says a different answer, you have to take a new situation card.  The goal is, obviously, to be the first to read the other players' minds so skillfully that you are left with no cards.  Fun Uncle will always make the most unscrupulous decision possible, or, at least, if it involves womanizing or money-making.  My mom will always make the complete Pollyanna answer.  Others are slightly less predictable, but it makes for extremely loud hilarity, playing this game. 

We are an extremely loud family, by the way.  And also a family who likes to make decisions about ethically ambiguous situations for fun. 

Usually, we get around to Cranium, too, and the women always win and the men always kvetch.  Always.  The women are strong!  Then there will possibly be Trivial Pursuit, Taboo, and other wordy type games.  Oh, and Scrabble.  Personally, I hate fucking Scrabble, but it's a go in our family. 

Dammit, I love the holidays.  I love my freaky family.  I miss you, Uncles!  And Cousins!