3 posts tagged “relationship dealbreakers”

I'm discombobulated.  I'm verklempt.  I'm flabbergasted.

I don't really think Barbara Ehrenreich is a tool of the Republican elite.  Right?  I don't think she's a scaremonger or a fishmonger or any other kind of monger, and I don't think she normally publishes "I gave birth to a four-headed antelope!" sorts of stories. 

So, uh.  WTFF?  No, seriously, can someone explain this to me?  Hillary Clinton is in a cult?  So, when Bill had his affairs, maybe those were cult rituals?  I think Christ was down with oral sex.  What else could he have meant when he said he came to bring a sword?*

Goddamn if voting Mickey Mouse doesn't look better with each passing day.

*Oddly, I can find no authoritative interpretation of the Gospels that supports the oral sex thesis.  Strange.

It occurred to me today, after reading some comments on other people's lists of deal breakers, that I had automatically taken the word "relationship" to mean long-term relationship--not necessarily marriage, but reasons I would break off a long-term love relationship.  That is an unnecessarily limited understanding of the term, though.  Obviously, a person has to pass through many gates before they reach the inner circle of GinBaby, and there are multitudinous deal-breakers all along the way.  I'm a hard, cold rock of a person, disinclined generally to like people.  Friends and loved ones who have persevered find that deep down inside I'm totally a giant pink marshmallow.  But, seriously, there are many perils along the way.

Here are some, but by no means all, of the deal-breakers that will immediately end our relationship, whatever stage it might happen to be in--from having just met to becoming friends or going on a first date:

• Quoting Forrest Gump.  There is no reason to do this--ever.
• Moral zealotry, dogmatism, fundamentalism, nationalism, being overly ideological, evangelical veganism.
• Racism, sexism, homophobia.  This includes comments like, "I'm not a racist, but I think the Indians/blacks/whatever should..." and "I'm not a homophobe--I love Will and Grace."
• If you're a man:  Wearing mock turtlenecks or capri pants.  There is simply no excuse for these things.
• Boasting of your own incompetence, as if incompetence were ever a good thing.  Girls:  You are not cuter because you cannot do math, and you are not more "feminist" just because you can't cook.  These are not things to be proud of.  Guys:  I have experienced this phenomenon less with men, as men seem to have more of a tendency to boast of what they can do, or sometimes what they merely think they can do.  But guys, your inability to cook is also not appealing.  Learn.
• An inability or unwillingness to appreciate the manifest beauty and richness of English vocabulary.  You don't have to use the fancy words all the time, but you should at least learn to appreciate the incredible precision and expressiveness we have available to us as English speakers.  This doesn't necessarily pertain to my non-English speaking friends.
• Touching me without warrant.  Once we are established in a relationship of some sort--good friends, family, dating, what have you--I will gradually relent in this case, and I will signal you in some way that I am now permitting touching.  In general, though, most people touch me long before I'm ready to be touched, and it FREAKS ME THE FUCK OUT.  I don't mean "touching" here in a necessarily sexual or dirty way--I don't want your hand on my arm or a hug or anything until we know each other fairly well.  I am fully aware that I have serious personal space issues that I perhaps should deal with at some point.  Until then, just don't touch me.  I will make some allowances if you are a Southerner, as I know you can't help it.  Anyone else:  I will take you down.
• Inability to write in cohesive paragraphs that are properly punctuated.  Paragraphs, sentences, and clauses are logical units.  If you cannot construct paragraphs of more than one or two sentences and there is no connection between your paragraphs, it is likely that the root problem is your inability to think coherently.  I'm fine with some fragments--heaven knows I do that, too--for stylistic reasons; however, if all your writing is in fragments and little broken pseudoparagraphs, I will have no truck with you.
• Reading self-help books for dummies.  I don't mean the ones about software or something else complicated that you might need a quick and easy reference for.  Oh, no.  I'm talking about things like Dating for Dummies and the previously scoffed at Meditation for Dummies.  Are you for real with that shit?  Because....no.  Look, if you are such a dummy that you need Dating for Dummies, you no longer belong in the reproductive pool.
• Illogic.  An inability and unwillingness to draw conclusions from evidence.  See also moral zealotry, etc.
• Baby hating.  Yeah, I know:  Babies can be loud and irritating in public.  On the other hand, so can adults.  Babies are too young to yet know better; adults are not.  Babies have few ways of communicating other than crying; adults have language.  Babies are asking for food or love or warmth or some other basic need; they are not polluting the airspace with details of their most recent sexual conquest/business deal/airplane meal, none of which do others need to hear about.  Babies make smelly poo-poo; yes, and so do you.  As for the breastfeeding--yeah, you fucking stop eating in public, and then we'll talk.  I'd rather see a baby placidly sucking away at her mama than watch you stuff your gaping maw with French fries--the baby needs the calories and nutrients, see?  You, on the other hand, likely do not. 
• Blaming the patriarchy.
• Insisting that there are no American movies worth watching. 
• Relying too heavily on television shows for your conversation content.  It's not exactly a problem with you, although I find that generally such people are nitwits.  The problem is really that, because I am an infrequent and erratic viewer of television myself, we will likely have difficulty conversing--similarly if the only thing you can discuss are video games.  I have even less of a relationship with video games, and I will be completely unable to follow you.  You may consider this a failing on my part if you wish, but it will kill the relationship.  Zack, Lokii, Kimura:  All of you can converse freely on other subjects, so you're all golden.
• Believing that you understand a foreign country because you went there for, like, two whole weeks.  If you're not American, then America is a foreign country to you, and so this goes for you, too.  Also, if you're foreign, you do not necessarily understand America just because you wear Levi's and watch Tom Cruise movies.  I will get just as tired of your lengthy treatises on American culture as I am now of hearing my grandma (love you, Grams!) tell me all about Chinese culture after she went on a 2-week tour with a bunch of other elderly Americans. 
• False humility.  Intellectual laziness.  Moral cowardice.
• Being religious will not inherently destroy a budding friendship.  However, it may be difficult as I am not religious at all and will not be converted.  I have tried being romantically involved with religious men (Buddhists, all) in the past, too, and it does not work.  There is a fundamental disconnect here.
• A frequent urge to talk to me on the telephone.  I do not care for talking on the telephone, in general.  Sgazzetti, this doesn't apply to you, as it's been far too long since we've seen each other.

Ah, well, you get the idea.  As I said, it's a bumpy road, full of potholes and pitfalls.  Yes, I'm judgmental.  Yes, I'm a misanthrope.  I'm also insensitive, or so I'm told.   I am completely unapologetic for these things. 

Things that will get you in like Flynn:

• Use of arcane vocabulary, particularly if it is in reference to unusual things, such as Scottish headgear or cocktails no one drinks anymore.
• Bibliophilia.
• Loving art, creating art.  Recognizing that fashion is art.  The Balenciaga shoes?  It is irrelevant if they are impractical for daily use and cost $3000.  They are art.  They are art for the feet.  They should be treated as such.  I know I am in awe of them.  Beautiful things should be everywhere--not just shoved off in museums.
• Not just reading, but actually enjoying poetry.  If you can recite Rexroth or Stevens from memory, so much the better.  Extra points for liking of somewhat less famous poets, like Brautigan or Carolyn Forche.  As noted above, beauty matters to me, and poetry is beautiful. 
• Irony.  A robust sense of the absurd.  Much laughter at anything and everything.  Laughter is good.  It is the staff of life.
• Witty banter, snappy comebacks, stylish flirting.  I love a good conversation, even if it is ultimately about nothing important.  I like verbal intercourse and rapidfire wordplay.  Bring it.
• An ability to sit comfortably in silence, even if (especially if!) there are other people present. 

Mmm, there are probably other things, but that's a start.  Not that it matters.  My friends are already my friends, anyway, lists be damned.

What are your deal breakers in a relationship?

This would have been a totally different list before I married and then divorced my first husband.  I think my first list, way back when, would have been easier to write.

Basically, they are these things:

1.  Lying.  That's obvious, I suppose.  My first husband didn't lie to me, at least not intentionally.  But it is a deal-breaker.

2.  Incurable seriousness.  This is not something I would have thought about before I married --we need a nickname for him, since he's going to be coming up a lot in this post.  Let's call husband #1 "H", OK?  Before I married H, I don't guess I thought there was such a thing as incurable seriousness.  I can be a serious person at times, and I dislike people who can never be serious, so I wouldn't have thought too much seriousness would get to be a problem.  It does.  H was incapable of just relaxing and enjoying something.  We used to fight--or, at least, he used to fight--every Wednesday because I used to go to sgazzetti's house to watch South Park and drink gin and be silly.  I actually take both South Park and gin fairly seriously, but to H, they were both wastes of time and energy, and he heckled me relentlessly about it.  He also couldn't see how I could let myself enjoy movies like Legally Blonde or how I could go out drinking with superficial friends with whom I had little in common, intellectually, and enjoy myself.  I tried to convince him that life did not always require gravity, but his idea of loosening up was to listen to Camper van Beethoven and discuss the melodic structures or the political significance of Joe Stalin's Cadillac.  Oh, man.  I can still feel my eyes rolling.  As mentioned, inability to ever be serious is also a deal-breaker, but this one took on particular significance for me after 6 years in Camp Gravity. 

3.  Wild mood swings.  I have them--boy, do I.  I am one moody, depression-prone, crazy woman.  I found out the hard way that two people who are both erratic and unstable should not live together.  This wasn't H's fault of course--I can't fault him when I'm just as guilty.  T, my husband now, is the flattest sea, the safest harbor, the most unshakable, unflappable, and utterly predictable person (mood-wise) I've ever known.  I don't quite know how he puts up with my moods, but his calm works wonders on me.  H exacerbated my moodiness (and I, his); T mitigates it.  Aaaah.  Much better.

4.  Paranoia and vengeance fantasies; still harboring a grudge against your girlfriend from high school.  I don't think more needs to be said about this one.  H had this in spades.

5.  Facial hair.  Sorry.  I'm not crazy about chest and arm hair, either, although I'll put up with some, as long as we're not talking Tom Selleck.  I cannot kiss you if you have facial hair.  I'm sorry, but it's the truth.  I think this is one reason why I enjoy Japanese men so much. 

6.  Smoking probably would be a deal-breaker, too, as I don't like the smell, but I could put up with occasional social smoking.  One boyfriend, Sean, used to smoke only when he was doing freaky computer things--he would program for hours at a stretch, and then he smoked, and it was fine.  Of course, I did not live with him, so I didn't have to put up with the smell all the time.  I really hate that smell.

7.  Wearing aftershave or cologne.  I like a natural-smelling man.  Clean, but natural.  Also, if it takes you longer to do your hair than it does for me to do mine, consider the deal endangered.

8.  When traveling, being unable to enjoy the journey qua journey and instead being totally focused on the destination and how soon we will get there.  H did this.  We couldn't, while traveling, spot some bizarre roadside attraction and stop and enjoy ourselves.  No.  We had to keep going, getting to our destination in a minimum amount of time.  It was only once the destination was reached that H could begin enjoying himself.  This was particularly shitty while hiking and backpacking, as I would be stopping to take pictures, smell flowers, check out tiny bugs, or whatever, and he would just keep going, getting way far ahead of me and then getting all impatient and grumpy about it.  Inevitably, he also had the bear spray when he was a mile ahead of me.  I just don't see the point of hiking if you're not going to enjoy the scenery along the way.  I think I also became progressively more poky, just to irritate him.  Yeah, our relationship was that healthy.

9.  Sexual incompatibility.  It's not that my preferences are the right ones, but they are the ones that make me happy, and we will never be happy together if we can't agree on this.  I don't think we need to get into specifics here, but let's say that we need to have a fundamental accord regarding frequency, amount and mechanics of foreplay, acceptable locations, acceptable and preferred positions, acceptable accoutrements, intensity of lighting, and location and appropriate manipulations of erogenous zones.  I think all couples need this, and I think that an unwillingness to face this fact is responsible for many relationships failing.  Oh, I'm not saying that I want or need to change someone else's sexual habits and preferences; not at all.  The point is that if our basic proclivities are naturally out of alignment, there is no real future for the relationship, no matter how clean-shaven and clean-smelling you are.  I will admit--and I realize this makes me a dirty, sinning whore--that I would have never married a man I had not slept with first, to make sure of these things.

Before I committed to more than, erm, occasional stays in love hotels with my current husband, I tested him out for all of these things.  He passed, easily.  He has been demonstrably and obnoxiously honest with me from the very start.  He is serious when appropriate, but when we're watching kung fu movies or something, he feels no need whatsoever to dissect our Gaze upon The Other, in Edward Said fashion.  He carries no grudges and never cares at all about revenge; he is like the man Nietzsche talks about who cannot forgive because he always forgets.  You can do T wrong a million ways, and he may not continue to like you, but he will totally forget what it is exactly that you've done.  He is also just generally forgiving of human foibles, much more than I am.  He has an absolute minimum of body hair (legs, underarms, etc.) and none at all--EVER--on his face.  He does shave his face, but it takes approximately 1 minute twice a week.  He does not smoke or otherwise offend with unnatural odors, and he is truly excellent to travel with. 

This is not to say that T is perfect:  He shuffles around the house in his slippers, making noises that really irritate me.  He chews on toothpicks like an old man.  He refuses to cut his hair more than a couple times a year (I don't generally like long hair on men, and especially not on him).  He will happily go months without washing his jeans, and he complains bitterly when his jeans are stiff from having just been washed.  He has virtually no sense of taste, and therefore my cooking might as well be dog food for all he knows.  He does not care about music much at all, besides just having background noise, so sometimes I get in the car and find the station set on the Mexican station or Rush Limbaugh or something otherwise intolerable.  He speaks an ungrammatical idiolect of Japanese and is passing these idiosyncracies on to our son; he is also forgetting how to write kanji.  He was born in 1980. 

As a sidenote, I am finding it interesting that many people are putting "cheating" in their lists.  I guess I can understand why, but it's not a deal-breaker for me.  Lying about it would be, and I would suppose that a long-term affair could be a deal-breaker, although it is utterly impossible for me to imagine T even talking to--or, really, even noticing--another woman, let alone carrying on with her for months or years.  I don't really see why a one-night stand or similarly short-term and limited adultery would be so serious, though.  We're all human and capable of making grievous mistakes and hurting each other and all of that.  I think the whole idea if you love someone is that you would forgive them these errors and they would forgive yours.  What's the point, exactly, of saying that you love someone forever and ever--unless they make a mistake? 

P.S.  If you doubt my assurance that T does not notice other women (let alone speak to them), you will have to meet him and watch a movie with him or go to a place where there are lots of girls to figure this out.  For example, we'll be out somewhere, and I'll notice a pretty girl and remark upon her beauty or the fine shape of her ass or something, and he'll have to look because he did not see her and then he'll say something like, "really?  yeah, she's OK, I guess."  It's all very anticlimactic.  He has watched movies with gorgeous, half-naked women in them and decided instead to watch a TV show about gold panning.  He can see a woman wearing outrageous, revealing clothing and either ignore it totally or remark only upon the clothing.  For the first couple of years we were together, I assumed it was all a ruse--or that he was a closeted homosexual.  Neither is true, however.  He just finds most women totally uninteresting. 

Why did he/does he find me interesting?  Well, according to him, he first took a liking to me because I seemed a bit crazy, more than a little unusual, and unafraid.  He stays with me because he has decided I don't just seem that way--I am that way, and it makes his life more interesting than it would be without me.  That and NSFW NSFW NSFW.  Um, oh yeah, and I'm pretty, too *shrug*.