I need to get a few things off my chest, without going into whole big long spiels about any of them.

1.  I'm sick of hearing people under the guise of environmentalism claim that no one "needs" to have children or "needs" to have more than one or two children.  There are a lot of things wrong with this, but the most glaring is that we do and own a lot of shit that we don't "need."  Ninety percent of people who own and use a cell phone have no actual need for it, yet they expend great deals of energy charging them and replacing them when new, cooler models come out.  We don't "need" golf courses, yet we expend great amounts of water and energy maintaining them, including in the Sonoran desert.  We don't "need" clothes dryers, or at least most of us do not.  We don't "need" makeup or beauty salons or 10 pairs of shoes.  We have all those things, none of them contribute measurably to the health and well-being of society, yet we have them and more.  So, fuck off about whether or not we "need" children, eh.

2.  Bourdain, you fucker.  I used to like you, but your hypocritical anti-hunting stance is getting to be too much.  On the one hand, you eat meat, which means you have no principled anti-killing belief.  You also regularly chide vegetarians, vegans, raw foodies, and other people for being ungracious and elitist as regards other cultures and their culinary heritages.  I believe you gave it to Woody Harrelson pretty good for refusing a meal in Thailand, right?  So, you support the killing of animals for food and respect for cultural heritage as it appears at the dinner table.  Great.  But then you think hunting is immoral?  Um.  It's OK to depend on the death of animals for sustenance, as long as the blood is literally on someone else's hands, is that it?  Is hunting acceptable to you when it's done by the Bushmen of the Kalahari but not when it's done by an American, because you have some notion that the Bushmen need to hunt but Americans don't, since we can get nice, sanitized and irradiated, shrink-wrapped shit at the grocery store 24/7?  Is that your thinking?  You don't think that maybe for some Americans, the inhumanely raised, antibiotic laced freakshow meat that we could get at the supermarket is unacceptable?  You don't think maybe hunting is part of the cultural heritage of some Americans (distantly, it is the cultural heritage of nearly every people on earth; more distantly, it is everyone's cultural heritage, but for some of us, the ties to that culture still exist, yes, even in fucking America) and therefore is as worthy of respect as Thai food?  What the fuck are you thinking?  I can understand when vegans and vegetarians are anti-hunting because, although I disagree with them, they have a consistent and principled stand against the use of animals for food.  But not this, Bourdain.  No, this I cannot abide.

3.  Dude, no.  For one thing, this whole "Europeans are so much more evolved than Americans are..." shit is getting old.  YOU think Europeans are "more evolved" because whatever it is that they do is what you want to do, but that does not provide anything substantial.  So, Europeans are more tolerant of adultery?  Why is that morally superior to not tolerating adultery?  I think if you really took a hard look at some of what you're talking about, you would find that actually a lot of women in cultures that "tolerate" cheating are not that happy about it; they just tolerate it, no more.  I think you would also find that more Americans tolerate it than you currently think. 

Also, just because you have a poorly controlled desire to sleep around on your wife, that does not itself invalidate the principles of monogamous marriage.  That men, overall, have a more polyamorous libido than women has become a sort of stock reason why men should be forgiven their inability or unwillingness to remain faithful.  However, most men do, in fact, remain faithful, as do most women.  Most marriages do not end in divorce, and most married people would prefer to maintain their marriage even at the cost of unfettered sex.  In other words, while there may well be problems with monogamy and marriage, in this case, the problem is YOU, not the system.

4.  I have also become very tired of people talking about marriage, either hetero or homo, as being primarily about "love."  Love is nice, of course.  Who doesn't like love?  But the government doesn't give you tax breaks because you're in love.  The reason we sanction marriage--not just America, but human societies in general, across time and space, although certainly the forms marriage takes are not uniform across cultures and history--has nothing to do with being in love.  The way we think about the love aspect of marriage is new-ish and culturally bound.  The reasons human societies have usually sanctioned some type of marriage (and not others) is because of the good those relationships are thought to bring to society.  Marriage exists because more than one person sharing a single household conserves resources.  It exists because a stable two- or multiple-parent home is safer, more economically secure and viable, and more emotionally secure for the raising of children.  It exists because of the very human emotion of jealousy.  It is notable in the piece mentioned in #3, when his wife finally says, "OK, we'll have an open marriage.  And I will be spending the night elsewhere on Wednesday," he's all "nooooo!."  (The general distaste for adultery and polyamory also probably stems from the fact that, let's face it, even men who think they are only after casual sex sometimes end up getting emotionally attached to the sex partner, and those emotions can destabilize the marriage and home.)  Listen, it's fine, it's great, it's wonderful that you love your spouse, but if you don't couple with a sense of duty and commitment, it's not worth much.  We sanction marriage as a matter of public policy because of the duty and commitment part.  This is why I think liberals' standard arguments about gay marriage are stupid and less than compelling.  Conservatives are not won over by the appeal to love.  On the other hand, there is no compelling evidence that TEH GAYZ are unsuitable as parents or more likely to dissolve their marriages than heterosexuals (the evidence currently suggests that gay marriages are more likely to last than straight ones, but my suspicion is that this is because of the small sample pool; I am going to guess that once gay marriage is legal in all 54 states and gays start marrying at similar rates as heterosexuals and start making the fool mistakes heteros make by marrying at 19 or whatever, the divorce rates will be similar).  Since homosexual marriage can provide a stable and secure home for children, can conserve resources by joining two people under one roof, and so forth, I see no compelling reason to limit it.  I just want to make it clear to homos and heteros alike:  No one cares about the love part.  That's between you and the spouse, and not really a matter for the government to intervene in.

5.  Yes, 54 states.  I am ready for Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa and the Virgin Islands to become states.  I don't understand the current arrangement.  It vexes me.  So, make them states.

6.  The humidity in our house was 2% today.  That's not a typo.  I am shriveling up like a raising as I write this.  What the fucking fuck, weather?  Weather:  You are on notice.

7.  John--I would gladly trade one of my unnecessary organs to have had the pleasure of speaking with you today.  Would you prefer a spleen or an appendix?  As I understand you no longer have an appendix of your own, perhaps the appendix?  Goddamn.  I am so sorry I missed your call.

That is all.  Thanks for listening.  Good night.

So, it's like 3:15 am, and I just finished taking this crucial test.  I am, as I suspected, a Pure Nerd.  Check it:

Your Score: Pure Nerd

91 % Nerd, 26% Geek, 21% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.

The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.

Congratulations!

I believe, however, that taking this test rather than sleeping makes me less successful and more Pure Asshole.  I'm sooo going to bed now.

So, I just read this on The Superficial:

Anthony Kiedis (the lead singer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers) and his girlfriend Heather Christie gave birth to their son last week. The child’s name is Everly Bear. He was named after Anthony’s favorite band the Everly Brothers. As for the bear part, it was a little part mom and a little part, well, crazy. People has the details:

"The mama came up with Bear," Kiedis says. "That made sense to me because he's from me and I feel like I'm part of the bear clan, and I think it's nice to have a little bit of earth in your name."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. If the ground rules for naming your kid are using your favorite band and what animal you think you are, I am so on board. As soon as I find an Amazon woman whose womb is capable of nurturing my super-child, I’ve got the perfect name: Dethklok Triceratops. Best name ever, I know. It works on so many levels because I’m part giant, horned thunder-lizard and Dethklok rules. The only way this could backfire is if my son wants to play the oboe instead of doing something awesome like drive a tank - at age six. You're damn right I'm going to let him. I can't drive and work the cannon. Didn't your father teach you how to operate a tank? No? He was sober? Fair enough.

This certainly makes naming a child easier.  Our next child will therefore be Morphine Tiger.  I think this works equally well for a boy or a girl, but my husband thinks SMAP* Dragon would sound better for a boy...or possibly a breakfast cereal.

This is fun to think about.  How about Sonic Youth Monkey?  Or Nirvana Catfish?

Then again, there's always Cream Kitty.  Ewwwww.

*No, neither of us actually likes SMAP.  He just thought, you know, it would help the kid be in touch with his J-Pop heritage.

So, today we moseyed out to the garden to see what was happening.  I had just barely got more or less caught up on the last big batch of harvesting, the one we did just prior to the first frost.  Lo and behold, what did we find today?  About 10 more pounds (say, 5 kg or so) of zucchini!  Joy!  It's not as if we had enough zucchini already stockpiled to last us the rest of the year.  I have had my Crock-Pots (both of them) working all day.  I just chop things up, stuff them in there with some basil and olive oil, and call it ratatouille or something.  Then I cool it, package it, and freeze it.  I have no idea how well ratatouille and pseudo-ratatouille freezes, but I guess we'll find out.  Fortunately, my husband will eat damn near anything.  (We also harvested peppers, various herbs, green beans, pattypan squash, a melon, and a bunch of cucumbers today.  The eggplant for the ratatouille came from the farmer's market.  We have some eggplant, but not a lot.  I think I told some of you that my son dumped a chocolate milkshake on my eggplant seedlings way back in spring, thereby killing most of them, so I had to start the eggplant from seed outdoors, and that didn't really allow it enough of a season.  Anyway.)

My husband then did the only sensible thing.  He went to the garage and got the axe and he gave the zucchini 40 whacks.  Two of our four zucchini plants are now dead, hacked to bits mercilessly by my aggrieved, tired-of-freakin-zucchini husband.  He also killed the cucumbers, but they weren't doing too great since the frost anyway.

Also, this may seem like an odd question, but does anyone out there need some dill seed?  We apparently planted way too much dill.  I will have dill seed to last me several years.  I always think dill plants look so festive, and so I think my zeal for their ferny prettiness ran away with me.  I have sworn not to plant so much, but everybody in my house knows that is not a vow I will keep.  I have a weakness for planting too much. 

Now, a couple of totally unrelated, random notes because I'm drinking and I get a little random when I'm drinking.  First, I REALLY freakin wish my gmail didn't put SPAM recipes every time I look at my spam folder.  I understand why it's happening--the spam/SPAM connection, I get it.  But, man, the recipe today for "Vineyard SPAM salad" that involves combining SPAM, grapes, peapods and onions--no, no way.  That's some sick shit.  If I wasn't drinking, maybe I could handle it, but as it is, I'm totally going to barf.  Jesus.

And then this.  Um, so this guy is, like, smart?  Right?  So, how the hell did it take him so long to figure this out?  I figured this out ages ago.  I have argued about this shit with every economist I have ever known, and you can't convince them.  And yet it is so obvious.  I used to worry sometimes in my old philosophy seminars that the point I was about to make was so obvious to everyone else in the room that they would roll their eyes at me, and that worry often kept me from making the point at all; I mean, if it was obvious to me, then it must be obvious to everyone, right?  Seems like sound thinking.  Only, I discovered eventually that it wasn't true.  Most people had not, in fact, thought of it before.  So, maybe I should have written Alan Greenspan a long letter some years back, patiently tutoring him in some facts of life that are crazy obvious to the rest of us.  I guess that's the problem with basing everything you know about life on the work of Ayn Rand.

You guys might want to stay away.  Apparently, by merely breathing on you, I could intoxicate you.  Check it:

Damn.  I knew I was a drunkard, but this could potentially be serious. 

Ha.  I am just now reminded of the time when I was sitting in a bar in Kabukicho, Tokyo, surrounded by three guys (two Japanese, one African) buying me drinks, and I just started yelling, "Yopparai!  Yopparai!" (which means "Drunk! Drunk!") at the very top of my lungs.  There was not a single person who did not stare at me, but most of them just muttered something like, "Crazy gaijin" and sniggered and went back to their business.  It was shochu that night.  So, yeah, you might not want to let me breathe on you.  This could be contagious and/or harmful to your liver.

It's too bad I couldn't have come out Malacca Gin, though, because I am not the RumBaby.  That's someone else.

Take it here.

I forgot to do this yesterday, I guess, distracted by all this new software my friends have been introducing me to.  This internet thing is pretty cool, ya know?

Anyway, here are 5 (not necessarily the only 5, just the 5 I'm thinking about at the moment) Girl Crushes:

1. Grace Kelly.  God, she's mesmerizing.  I would donate my kidneys (sure, both of them) to charity if I could have a tiny fraction of her style, elegance, and beauty.  She's like a warm ray of sunshine.  She's delicious.
   
2. Cristina Yang.  Alright, Sandra Oh.  But I don't know anything about Sandra Oh as a person, really.  It's Cristina I love.
   
3. Glamour Mama.  She's smart and funny and has beautiful hair and excellent taste in footwear, and I'm not really sure what more you could want in a woman.
   
4. Kari Byron.  Nerdy science girls rock.
   
5. Michelle Yeoh.  She could kick my ass any time.  Any old time at all.

Sorry, people, but we're about to get very personal. 

To my beloved and long-suffering husband:

Listen, honey.  I was upstairs a minute ago, cleaning up and waiting for this latest batch of pickles to come out of the water bath, when I noticed the frying pan you used to cook your lunch crouched back in the corner.  As I took the lid off to plunge it into my sudsy water, I happened to notice the remains of your lunch in there, and I'm a little perplexed.

Did you really stir-fry hot dogs?  See, here in America (with the possible exception of Hawaii, but you know how they are) we don't consider processed "meat" products to be stir-fry material--indeed, in our house, they are considered only marginally edible.  Did you further combine the hot dogs with zucchini from the garden and the leftover homemade kimchi?  There were a few wee half-moons of zucchini hanging out in there and a powerful kimchi-like stench coming from the pan when I lifted the lid, and I notice that the kimchi is now all gone.  Did you really abuse the garden zucchini in such a manner?  Did you really violate my kitchen with your dubious bachelor food?

Let's be clear about something:  You are no longer a bachelor.  The kitchen is pink and filled with good food to eat.  Do you see the roast beef and leftover kasha?  That would have made a fine meal with the zucchini.  I understand and respect the fact that you lived alone long enough to acquire these questionable cooking habits, but the time has come to stop. 

Believe me, mister.  If you continue to desecrate my kitchen in this manner, I will be forced to bang you on the head with a frying pan in classic housewife fashion. 

You didn't feed that stuff to our son, did you?  For the love of all that is sacred, please tell me you didn't.

Love,

Your much too affectionate wife

God, I so would have screamed if I wasn't Cristina Yang, because she is my HERO. 

  Look at her.  Isn't she all that a woman should be?

Sorry, Glamour Mama, from whom I got the link--I know that you came out Meredith, and it's OK.  Cristina and Meredith are friends!

But ROCK ON!  I totally wanted to be Cristina Yang and NOW I AM!!

"You are Christina Yang. You are incredibly determined and very blunt... yet somehow very likable"

Sadly, I am not Korean.  But, Cristina/Sandra, if it means I can be more like you, I am ready and willing to become Korean.

I have just come in from the garden.  I am muddy and sweaty, and my hair is an absolute wreck.  But the garden is gorgeous, gorgeous enough for the both of us.

The first set of beets are almost big enough to go in the pickle jars.  The parsley has somehow, almost overnight, become a shrub, so tall and bushy.  The peas are making a comeback--I don't think we had been watering them enough, and it has been brutally hot and dry, two things peas are not especially fond of.  The miscellaneous squash and melon plants are all sporting lovely flowers and attracting hordes of butterflies.  We have, unfortunately, lost track of which types of squash and melons we planted where, so we just keep examining them and trying to guess what they'll turn out to be.  We do know that the Japanese bitter melons (niga uri) are there in the back, and they have apparently forgiven us for letting them dry out a few times in the beginning and now they are doing well (they are typically grown in Okinawa, so I'm not sure what we were thinking planting them here, except that growing them is the only way we will ever get to eat goya champur again). 

Okra--listen, fellas, I know you all had a hard time with that spat of cold weather we had shortly after I planted you, but I'm pulling for you.  Anything you need to produce some fine, fine okra for pickling--anything--you just let me know, and you can have it.  You're growing well and looking healthy now, but we need you to produce.  Probably, the way the weather has been, you have another couple of months, so we're not worried yet.  But we really need some okra.  You have to earn your keep around here.

Eggplants--hey, guys, I'm sorry that my son dumped a chocolate milkshake on you when you were just baby seedlings.  You have really rallied since then.  I'm impressed.  Even if you never do quite make it to fruiting, we still love you for all you've accomplished so far. 

This one mysterious squash/melon plant (we're not sure what it is) is taking over.  It appears to be on a mission to rule the house and garden.  It grows 3-5 inches every day.  There is finally tiny fruit appearing on it--maybe pumpkin?  Watermelon?  Who knows?  But I'm sure it will be delicious.

Dude, this is really not cool.  Luke motherfuckin Skywalker?  I'm not naive, you bastards!  And my hair is soooo not feathered.

So, apparently, I'm a total wuss.  Fabulous.  I really wanted to be Chewbacca.