Top Chef

So, I'm really hooked on Top Chef.  I should never have got satellite TV.  I used to watch Top Chef in season 2, then I didn't have TV for a while and almost forgot about it, but now it's taken over my life again. 

I have some pet peeves about this show, though.  For one thing, could we stop using "housewife food" as a dis?  I mean, I get the idea, but let me tell you something:  Those chefs would be hard pressed to do what your average housewife does, which is put 2-3 homecooked meals on the table, different every day, on a limited budget, with a kid hanging on her leg and, most likely, slightly crappy tools to work with.  I mean, sure, we're talking about a different skill set here.  The cheftestants do not have to answer the phone, placate a child, look at a somewhat forlorn piece of salmon you had totally forgotten was in the freezer and has been there for, god, months! and decide what could make this poor thing palatable.  Cheftestants do not have to care if the dishes they serve provide balanced nutrition, day in and day out.  They do not have to care about the leftovers.  Yeah, housewives--we may not cook 100 sauces to go on every dish just to make it look pretty, but that's mainly because we have to do our own dishes.  Feh.

Second, what's with the condescension toward kids?  It seems like, in every season, there is some challenge involving the feeding of kids, and then we get cheftestants complaining about the unsophisticated palates of kids and just about the horrors of having to deal with children at all.  For one thing, I hate to tell them this, but even if you only do fine dining, you're going to have to please your customers, and sometimes your customers are going to have decidedly unsophisticated palates, no matter what their ages.  I liked when Tiffani (season 1) asked Colicchio how he would feel if someone came in to CraftSteak and asked him to deep fry their steak, and he's all, "It happens."  That's the reason he is a successful chef.  Your unsophisticated customer wants shit on a shingle--you give it to them.  They come back and throw more money at you.  You get to go on TV and cavort with Padma Lakshmi.  It's pretty simple, really.  Also, if you want the kids of today to have sophisticated palates as adults, it's a good idea to start with them when they're young.  Instead of sneering at them for the unfortunate fact of their age, make them some great food.  Not all food that gets served to kids needs to patronize them, but at the same time, they are going to be less impressed with your clever ideas than with the way the food actually tastes. 

Third, what's with the molecular gastronomy?  Now, I've really only *read* about wd-50 and Ferran Adria and all that, and I totally get that what they're doing and what Marcel and Richard (cheftestants from different seasons) are doing is not the same thing.  I think, from what I've read and the few recipes I've sussed out, Wylie Dufresne and Adria and those guys are doing some pretty amazing things with food.  But, maybe I'm some kind of bumpkin, but...uh...gelees are just Jell-O, you know?  I mean, I didn't really realize that gelees were considered molecular gastronomy until I encountered the unfortunately-coiffed Marcel in season 2.  And this whole "we can make food taste better through science" is really what Con-Agra and Kraft have been asserting for years.  How is it different for some anonymous food scientist at some Con-Agra plant somewhere to use bizarre chemicals in food from a chef using them?  I really don't want to eat chemicals and nonfoods, although I tolerate green food dye in my beer at St. Patty's day.  I want to eat food.  I am supposing that this makes me inexcusably out of touch, but I don't give a fig, or even a fig foam.  I just don't see what all the hype is about.  Admittedly, though, having the mere scent of smoked ras al hanout waft over my crab cake is intriguing and good sounding.  But I'm OK without isomalt or any other food additive.  Food tastes good, you know.  I heard a while back that at a conference Ferran Adria decided he had found the perfect gelee in the natural substance that occurs around tomato seeds.  So, um, maybe we should take that as a clue, guys.  Perfect ingredients don't need your tools and scientific ingredients, although ras al hanout is usually not a bad thing. 

Anyway, this season, this Dale guy--damn I want to have a beer with him.  He seems so...bitter.  Hot.

And finally, I'm getting a bit of a crush on Padma.  At first, I thought she was, you know, a bit spokesmodelly.  Like, all style (and clearly a LOT of style), no substance.  Then I found out she was married to Salman Rushdie, and I had to rethink my entire opinion of her.  I mean...really?  Rushdie?  Damn.  She must have something under the hood, no?  Then she published some great chutney recipes and was all, "oh, these old things?" about it.  Then I heard she curses a lot off camera.  Then she was hanging out in a tight shirt-dress playing pool, and I'm kinda in love.  Yeah, that's all it takes.

Oh, and one last thing:  Why do they keep complaining about not being pastry chefs?  Yeah, yeah, baking is a particular science, but fekkin-A, you know you're going on Top Chef, learn some basic desserts.  And if you ever serve me cake mix for my wedding, I will cut you.  Not that I'm ever going to have a wedding, let alone one that is catered, let alone one that is catered by awesomely prickish cheftestants on the greatest competition-reality show of all time (after Project Runway, that is).